Editorial Note: According to statistics, in 2020, one of the seven married women in Taiwan who are married is a spouse. The tragedy of the mistress is often unsatisfactory, and it is even difficult to comfort others. Chen Peiyu, chairman of the Yilan Family Growth Association, shared that her own grief during her death at the age of 50, also provided some specific suggestions for the spouse and the comforters around her.

Everyone hopes to grow old together with their companions, but the fact is that one party will leave first. If he is the one who is left behind, how can he get out of the tragedy and rebuild his life?

A face blog　　Warm Reminder〉, the content is written to describe the confusing mood after the animated person:

"I can't cry even after the animated person, and I can't feel my own feelings. What should I do?"

"Identity certificate, the spouse column was forced to correct it to a blank, that is, since I was in this state, my mood was already depressed, as if I was forced to leave again, my heart was so sad, I don't know where I am positioned?"

This is the experience compiled by Chen Peiyu, chairman of the family growth association of Yelan's family. Only those who have been with you and leave the world can empathize with these loss, pain, and doubts.

When her husband died that year, Chen Peiyu has experienced different tragedies and made a lot of efforts in nine years to find a position for herself in life, and to become a force to catch others and accompany her fellow villagers through the valley of grief.

The tragedy of a couple is not in time. It is normal for them to be bad.

According to the Executive Yuan Gender Equality Association Statistics, 15.7% of married women in Taiwan (including cousins, divorced and cousins) accounted for 15.7%, which means that one of the 7 married women is a couple (3.99% of males in Taiwan accounted for 3.99%).

In Chinese, "partner half" is often used to refer to a companion. I am half and the other party is half. When one of them passes away, is there half of my life left?

The Yilan Family Growth Association is composed of a group of couples with the same encounters. Through support, understanding and companionship, they help each other find stability and new business meanings.

"Faced with the end of love life, the heart will definitely undergo a journey of rehabilitation and proper adjustment. There is no time to change from the person. Only by walking through the sorrow can you grow and learn from it." Even though the wound has scabbed, the scar remains, and when talking about Mr.'s departure, Chen Peiyu's eyes still seem to be full of water.

In 2011, Chen Peiyu's husband went from being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer to leaving the world for only 4 months. Her original family was full of dangers, and her life collapsed overnight!

Looking back now, Chen Peiyu said, "Sadness is a process of ups and downs, good times and badness. You have to give yourself time and accept it."

The good-lived woman became a widow, numb, self-responsible, angry, and other emotions repeatedly over 2 months. Chen Peiyu seemed to be numbed by being frozen. "Although it was difficult to send her away before, I had some preparations in my heart. But the husband left at the age of 53, which is too young, and it was something I never thought of." Losing support, the passion of life disappeared, and I lived in a daze.

Until one day I learned that my husband's friend was also very worried every day because of his friend's death. Chen Peiyu couldn't help but sympathize with the other person, and was shocked in an instant, "Then, as the other half of the deceased, I should be more sad than him? I can't even feel my sadness! I later realized that it's normal to not be able to cry. It was my defense mechanism, I refused to accept the facts, thinking that if I cried, I believe that my husband had left."

The love during this period was very chaotic, and sometimes I was self-responsible, "It would be better if I paid more attention to his health at that time" and even became extremely weak, "Life is too painful, I don't know how long I can live, but I'm so hard ”

The son married the year before her husband left, and less than a year later, he turned from a good-living woman who everyone called her to become a widow. The psychological gap was very large, so there was a lot of anger. The care of the neighbors sneered at it, "I was very angry when I saw the consolation card signed by the whole household. Why did I help me to tell my husband all over the world without authorization Leaving? At that time, I only thought that other people's concerns were watching me laugh. "

At that time, I never thought that she could pass the grief nine years later, enjoy chatting with her daughter, playing with her classmates every day, sharing the warmth of her colleagues and sisters in the office, and the daily life of getting together and going out with her partners in the same leaf.

Find someone who can understand you and be caught in grief

She reminds people who are tragic about being sad, whether they are shocked, angry, confused, and reorganized, and re-emerged, every period is a life lesson for exploring themselves.

In the two years of chaos and reorganization, Chen Peiyu looked for various ways to save himself, studied painting, played erhu, participated in choruses, performance classes, and also worked as a psychological counselor, participated in teacher Zhang training, gestalt workshops, etc., and even entered the psychological counselor research institute, wrote his life story into a essay, and crawled through writing and tidying up.

"I used to be very good. I felt that expressing sorrow means I was a weak person. But from every self-awareness or sadness group, emotional flow is very helpful to me. When I speak out, let others help you to prove your grief, someone will catch you, and invisibly give me the power of support and warmth."

And she also believes that finding a group of people who can understand her is more important.

I heard that a friend who knew him killed himself because he could not bear the death of his partner. Chen Peiyu knew that he could be a volunteer with someone who had the same experience? So I searched for the Yelan Association online.

"I am the first puppet in my circle of friends. When I am with them, I always feel that I am the most worrying, and they can't understand my feelings.. But at the gathering in Yelan, everyone in the room was like me, and I felt like I was caught, as if I was not that lonely. ”

It’s just like others are calm and companionship. Unsuitable comfort will have a negative effect

Puppet is a state of life. I don’t know that everyone will meet. The people you meet can support each other, and how can others comfort the puppet?

Chen Peiyu pointed out several comfort sentences that she heard were uncomfortable, and her inner thoughts when she heard them were mines that she thought the comforter could avoid:

・"Your husband may be lucky ……"— — Can you tell me that my husband would leave early because he did something bad?

・"Why are you crying? At least you have good economic conditions. Think about it, we are still bending our backs for five dou of rice." —— Can I lose my husband if I work hard?

・"Are you still crying now? Haven't you come out yet?" —— Wanting to cry is my love at this moment. Should I be accused of crying?

・"Come on, get better soon."——Do you think I'm not working hard yet?

If you really don't know how to comfort me, Chen Peiyu reminds, "What a man needs is actually company, for example, listening quietly while crying, or expressing: 'I'm very difficult, then is there anything that requires me to help?" Even if you really don't know what to say, just pat your shoulder."

Not half of the people left are still full of personalities that pursue happiness

After this period of time, Chen Peiyu realized that society generally avoids tragedy and loss, and some traditional concepts still deeply influence us. "I used to write "widows" and "unfortunate" in the past. If I lost my husband, I felt inferior, so I had a lot of injustice in my heart."

In the past, I always thought that I was a common life with my husband, and when my partner left, the world was destroyed. It was not until the teacher of the institute reminded her, "You are originally an independent entity." Chen Peiyu re-viewed himself as a whole, so he understood that his life was always complete, but the stage where his husband participated was over, and he still had many beauty, surrounded by girls, friends, colleagues, and many of his own goals, and had the right to pursue happiness.

In the past, I pursued perfection in everything. Now I know how to slow down my pace and relax my body. I no longer feel wronged about myself and treat others well. I love myself well and learn to reconcile with myself. Those who accompany my spouse will become a life aspiration. "I used to be a little princess who depended on others, but now I am a truly independent woman. I can be soft and strong. I will not just wait for others to meet my needs. I will respect myself more and live bravely for myself."

Info

Taipei Yiyelan Puppet Family Growth Association

Website: http://www.singleleaf.org.tw

Original text: There is one puppet for every 7 married women! Yi Ye Lan Chen Peiyu: Losing his other half still has the right to make his life complete